The Ferguson Famine
“A hungry pigeon and an aggressive seagull have had enough
of the famed diet Guru - Tony Ferguson.”
by Sonny Clarke
Characters:
SAMUEL PIGEON: Well spoken, educated.
PIGEON 2: I.P.A (Independent Pigeon Army) trained.
SEAGULL: Loud and hyperactive. Has Touretts Syndrome.
STATUE: Once was a bronze master piece of a former leader
erected in the town square. Now neglected and forgotten.
HUMAN: Eats lunch in the square.
Setting: Town Square, midday.
Approx running time: 9 minutes.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 1
Samuel Pigeon sits under a statue, he holds a placard
up that says ‘Say no to Ferguson famine’. He looks
forlorn and depressed and occasionally lets out a
noise that sounds like ‘Steggels’ as he fluffs his
feathers and settles back down. He asks the audience
members (street beggar like) if they can spare some
food.
STATUE: (to Samuel) Hey! Where are all your mates? I
haven’t seen them around for ages; Mind you, I won’t
complain about the lack of mess up here, I haven’t
seen the glinting bronze of my shoulders for so long!
SAMUEL PIGEON: (sighs) They’ve all gone to the seaside.
STATUE: Oh? Sea change?
SAMUEL PIGEON: No, looking for food. (He flashes his
placard to the statue) This new fad diet that has hit
the city has us verging on starvation. Milkshakes! No
carbohydrates, no bread, ah! You’ll notice that as the
waists of the nation are reducing, so is the waste
that feeds my nation! I haven’t eaten for weeks.
STATUE: Yes, come to think of it, you do seem rather
skinny for a pigeon. At first I thought you might have
been a miner bird.
SAMUEL PIGEON: Tell me about it! The cats won’t even look
at me anymore. Why just the other day I sat on the
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 2
ground and shook my tail feathers under the nose of a
scrawny alley tabby and still nothing. I’ve marinated
myself in béarnaise sauce and it didn’t do any good.
Not even good enough to chew on! God, I’m so
depressed. (To audience) Say no to the Ferguson
famine!
STATUE: Do you really want to be eaten by a cat?
SAMUEL PIGEON: What else is there for a skinny pigeon to
do? I mean, I still have both my legs, perfect
condition that‘s rare these days; my feathers are full
and shiny but I’m all bones! May as well end it all
now, throw in the towel. We’ve only got a few more
weeks until spring, how am I expected to woo a mate
when I look like this! (To audience) Excuse me mate,
spare us a crumb?
STATUE: Yes, City’s going to hell. I miss the old days
when children would climb up on my foundations and
swing from my arms. Water, warmed by the sun would
trickle over my toes and make a fountain that folk
would wade in - oh I miss the joy and laughter. Now
I’d be lucky to see a child outside. Last week some
kids came by but it was only to steal the last slimy
coins from the tepid water and graffiti me. I can’t
even read what they wrote; it’s out of my sight.
SAMUEL PIGEON: They didn’t write anything, they just drew
you some testicles.
[BEAT]
STATUE: There’s just no pride in my work anymore.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 3
[BEAT]
SAMUEL PIGEON: I’m so hungry … I could eat the legs off
a low flying seagull!
STATUE: Hey…. you might just be in luck, look who’s
coming,
A seagull swoops in and joins the Pigeon on the bench.
SEAGULL: Fuck!
SAMUEL PIGEON: Excuse me, do I know you?
SEAGULL: Doubt it. I’ve just come in from the waterfront
looking for a feed. Where’s the best place to get some
lunch? Fuck!
SAMUEL PIGEON: You mean there isn’t food down their
either?
SEAGULL: Even worse. They’ve put up big signs that say
‘Do not feed the birds’ and locked all bins! The crows
are trashing the joint!
SAMUEL PIGEON: (gasps) no! Why are they doing this to us?
What did we ever do to them!
STATUE: Well I could name a few things….
SEAGULL: What’s all this then? (He gestures to the sign)
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 4
SAMUEL PIGEON: I’m protesting the Ferguson famine. He’s
the reason we’re in this mess.
SEAGULL: I don’t get it.
SAMUEL PIGEON: The Tony Ferguson diet - it‘s all over the
world with these humans and their obsessive attempts
to lose weight easily and fast - no carbohydrates, no
bread…. (Seagull cocks his head, confused) no more
chips?
SEAGULL: (shocked) no chips! Fuck! What am I supposed
to eat then? (The seagull flits around in a mild
panic)
SAMUEL PIGEON: I don’t know. What do seagulls usually
eat?
SEAGULL: [beat] (confused) Chips!
STATUE: Surely there was a time when you ate something
other than chips. I mean, I am a statue, I was made by
humans, but you have been around the earth long before
chips were invented. What did your kind eat then?
SEAGULL: What the hell are you talking about? Humans
have always been around and so have chips! (To Pigeon)
phff! Where’d you pick this jerk up from?
SAMUEL PIGEON: I don’t…..
SEAGULL: Oh wait! Look, here we go, it’s lunch time and
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 5
he’s coming our way! Looks delicious, he’s coming our
way!
SAMUEL PIGEON: shhhh! You’ll scare him off! Just remain
calm and quiet.
Samuel goes out of his way to look polite. He nods in
one direction and then the other as if just pacing
around the square. The Seagull sits on the bench and
stares menacingly at the Human who walks toward them.
The human sits down and lays his lunch out on his lap.
SEAGULL: This guy likes his lunch, no diet here
obviously. What we got buddy? Ooooh, Subway sandwich,
nice!
SAMUEL PIGEON: (quiet, polite, struts back into the
bench), (to human) Hey buddy, what ya got there buddy?
Hey pal, could ya spares us a little taste of ya lunch
there buddy?
The human is unresponsive.
SEAGULL: What the hell is that shit? You’ll never get
anything with that namby pamby pigeon shit! (yells at
person) Gis a fuckin chip man! (To Samuel) You gotta
be straight to the point with them; they don’t have
very big brains in relation to their oversized bodies.
They’re like the dinosaurs; big and dumb. (To person)
gis a fucking chip buddy come on! (To Samuel) they are
primal man, they don‘t understand subtlety.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 6
The Human kicks out at the seagull who flutters
backward just in the nick of time. Samuel chuckles at
the seagull.
SEAGULL: Laugh it up Larry. I got smarts see. This fat
ape is a slob and is going to leave that last bit of
sandwich on that bench and then we’ll see how well
your ‘Mr polite’ routine works!
As predicted, the human gets up and leaves the end of
his lunch on the chair. As soon as he walks off, the
Seagull whips himself up into a ‘one beast’ squabble
of kung fu moves and squawking to snatch the last of
the sandwich up and stuff it in his beak. Samuel makes
a very mild attempt to nod toward the sandwich but
doesn’t get anywhere near it. The seagull laughs with
maniacal power and gives the pigeon the feathered
finger before exiting.
STATUE: (melancholy) I tried to help. I tried to kick
him for you but then I realised - I can’t move. How
useless am I!
SAMUEL PIGEON: You did what you could - survival of the
rudest I guess. Let’s face it, until someone takes out
this Tony Ferguson, I‘m going to starve to death.
STATUE: (desperate) Hey, I think there is some old
chewing gum stuck under my right buttock, maybe it
will get you through.
From behind the statue a whispering call ‘Psst… Psst’
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 7
Samuel Pigeon turns around to the statue and the
Statue shrugs.
STATUE: If I could see, I’d take a look. (calling) Hey,
who’s back there? Show yourself.
Pigeon Two slides, stealth like from around the back
of the Statue and stands with Samuel.
PIGEON TWO: The names Fergal, but you can call me Two.
(To Statue) The chewy is gone now by the way. (He
chews).
Samuel just stares at Fergal (Pigeon Two) occasionally
nodding out of habit.
PIGEON TWO: Listen up; I trained with the IPA - The
Independent Pigeon Army. It’s time to do this thing.
STATUE: Do what thing?
PIGEON TWO: It’s time to take out Ferguson! We have
devised a plan.
Pigeon Two pulls a Magpie’s (black and white) football
beanie over his head and wears it like a balaclava. He
channels the ‘magpie’ in him and pumps himself up and
down on the spot, working himself up before taking
off.
The Statue watches him fly up into the sky.
STATUE: There goes a brave bird.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 8
The Statue is suddenly hit with pigeon poop from
above.
STATUE: No pride at all in this job any more!
Samuel Pigeon shrugs and starts to nod off stage.
STATUE: Hey where are you going? Stay a while and talk
to me? Come on, I’m lonely!
SAMUEL PIGEON: I think I hear a bell in the alley way.
(To off screen as he nods off stage) Here kitty kitty!
END
“A hungry pigeon and an aggressive seagull have had enough
of the famed diet Guru - Tony Ferguson.”
by Sonny Clarke
Characters:
SAMUEL PIGEON: Well spoken, educated.
PIGEON 2: I.P.A (Independent Pigeon Army) trained.
SEAGULL: Loud and hyperactive. Has Touretts Syndrome.
STATUE: Once was a bronze master piece of a former leader
erected in the town square. Now neglected and forgotten.
HUMAN: Eats lunch in the square.
Setting: Town Square, midday.
Approx running time: 9 minutes.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 1
Samuel Pigeon sits under a statue, he holds a placard
up that says ‘Say no to Ferguson famine’. He looks
forlorn and depressed and occasionally lets out a
noise that sounds like ‘Steggels’ as he fluffs his
feathers and settles back down. He asks the audience
members (street beggar like) if they can spare some
food.
STATUE: (to Samuel) Hey! Where are all your mates? I
haven’t seen them around for ages; Mind you, I won’t
complain about the lack of mess up here, I haven’t
seen the glinting bronze of my shoulders for so long!
SAMUEL PIGEON: (sighs) They’ve all gone to the seaside.
STATUE: Oh? Sea change?
SAMUEL PIGEON: No, looking for food. (He flashes his
placard to the statue) This new fad diet that has hit
the city has us verging on starvation. Milkshakes! No
carbohydrates, no bread, ah! You’ll notice that as the
waists of the nation are reducing, so is the waste
that feeds my nation! I haven’t eaten for weeks.
STATUE: Yes, come to think of it, you do seem rather
skinny for a pigeon. At first I thought you might have
been a miner bird.
SAMUEL PIGEON: Tell me about it! The cats won’t even look
at me anymore. Why just the other day I sat on the
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 2
ground and shook my tail feathers under the nose of a
scrawny alley tabby and still nothing. I’ve marinated
myself in béarnaise sauce and it didn’t do any good.
Not even good enough to chew on! God, I’m so
depressed. (To audience) Say no to the Ferguson
famine!
STATUE: Do you really want to be eaten by a cat?
SAMUEL PIGEON: What else is there for a skinny pigeon to
do? I mean, I still have both my legs, perfect
condition that‘s rare these days; my feathers are full
and shiny but I’m all bones! May as well end it all
now, throw in the towel. We’ve only got a few more
weeks until spring, how am I expected to woo a mate
when I look like this! (To audience) Excuse me mate,
spare us a crumb?
STATUE: Yes, City’s going to hell. I miss the old days
when children would climb up on my foundations and
swing from my arms. Water, warmed by the sun would
trickle over my toes and make a fountain that folk
would wade in - oh I miss the joy and laughter. Now
I’d be lucky to see a child outside. Last week some
kids came by but it was only to steal the last slimy
coins from the tepid water and graffiti me. I can’t
even read what they wrote; it’s out of my sight.
SAMUEL PIGEON: They didn’t write anything, they just drew
you some testicles.
[BEAT]
STATUE: There’s just no pride in my work anymore.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 3
[BEAT]
SAMUEL PIGEON: I’m so hungry … I could eat the legs off
a low flying seagull!
STATUE: Hey…. you might just be in luck, look who’s
coming,
A seagull swoops in and joins the Pigeon on the bench.
SEAGULL: Fuck!
SAMUEL PIGEON: Excuse me, do I know you?
SEAGULL: Doubt it. I’ve just come in from the waterfront
looking for a feed. Where’s the best place to get some
lunch? Fuck!
SAMUEL PIGEON: You mean there isn’t food down their
either?
SEAGULL: Even worse. They’ve put up big signs that say
‘Do not feed the birds’ and locked all bins! The crows
are trashing the joint!
SAMUEL PIGEON: (gasps) no! Why are they doing this to us?
What did we ever do to them!
STATUE: Well I could name a few things….
SEAGULL: What’s all this then? (He gestures to the sign)
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 4
SAMUEL PIGEON: I’m protesting the Ferguson famine. He’s
the reason we’re in this mess.
SEAGULL: I don’t get it.
SAMUEL PIGEON: The Tony Ferguson diet - it‘s all over the
world with these humans and their obsessive attempts
to lose weight easily and fast - no carbohydrates, no
bread…. (Seagull cocks his head, confused) no more
chips?
SEAGULL: (shocked) no chips! Fuck! What am I supposed
to eat then? (The seagull flits around in a mild
panic)
SAMUEL PIGEON: I don’t know. What do seagulls usually
eat?
SEAGULL: [beat] (confused) Chips!
STATUE: Surely there was a time when you ate something
other than chips. I mean, I am a statue, I was made by
humans, but you have been around the earth long before
chips were invented. What did your kind eat then?
SEAGULL: What the hell are you talking about? Humans
have always been around and so have chips! (To Pigeon)
phff! Where’d you pick this jerk up from?
SAMUEL PIGEON: I don’t…..
SEAGULL: Oh wait! Look, here we go, it’s lunch time and
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 5
he’s coming our way! Looks delicious, he’s coming our
way!
SAMUEL PIGEON: shhhh! You’ll scare him off! Just remain
calm and quiet.
Samuel goes out of his way to look polite. He nods in
one direction and then the other as if just pacing
around the square. The Seagull sits on the bench and
stares menacingly at the Human who walks toward them.
The human sits down and lays his lunch out on his lap.
SEAGULL: This guy likes his lunch, no diet here
obviously. What we got buddy? Ooooh, Subway sandwich,
nice!
SAMUEL PIGEON: (quiet, polite, struts back into the
bench), (to human) Hey buddy, what ya got there buddy?
Hey pal, could ya spares us a little taste of ya lunch
there buddy?
The human is unresponsive.
SEAGULL: What the hell is that shit? You’ll never get
anything with that namby pamby pigeon shit! (yells at
person) Gis a fuckin chip man! (To Samuel) You gotta
be straight to the point with them; they don’t have
very big brains in relation to their oversized bodies.
They’re like the dinosaurs; big and dumb. (To person)
gis a fucking chip buddy come on! (To Samuel) they are
primal man, they don‘t understand subtlety.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 6
The Human kicks out at the seagull who flutters
backward just in the nick of time. Samuel chuckles at
the seagull.
SEAGULL: Laugh it up Larry. I got smarts see. This fat
ape is a slob and is going to leave that last bit of
sandwich on that bench and then we’ll see how well
your ‘Mr polite’ routine works!
As predicted, the human gets up and leaves the end of
his lunch on the chair. As soon as he walks off, the
Seagull whips himself up into a ‘one beast’ squabble
of kung fu moves and squawking to snatch the last of
the sandwich up and stuff it in his beak. Samuel makes
a very mild attempt to nod toward the sandwich but
doesn’t get anywhere near it. The seagull laughs with
maniacal power and gives the pigeon the feathered
finger before exiting.
STATUE: (melancholy) I tried to help. I tried to kick
him for you but then I realised - I can’t move. How
useless am I!
SAMUEL PIGEON: You did what you could - survival of the
rudest I guess. Let’s face it, until someone takes out
this Tony Ferguson, I‘m going to starve to death.
STATUE: (desperate) Hey, I think there is some old
chewing gum stuck under my right buttock, maybe it
will get you through.
From behind the statue a whispering call ‘Psst… Psst’
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 7
Samuel Pigeon turns around to the statue and the
Statue shrugs.
STATUE: If I could see, I’d take a look. (calling) Hey,
who’s back there? Show yourself.
Pigeon Two slides, stealth like from around the back
of the Statue and stands with Samuel.
PIGEON TWO: The names Fergal, but you can call me Two.
(To Statue) The chewy is gone now by the way. (He
chews).
Samuel just stares at Fergal (Pigeon Two) occasionally
nodding out of habit.
PIGEON TWO: Listen up; I trained with the IPA - The
Independent Pigeon Army. It’s time to do this thing.
STATUE: Do what thing?
PIGEON TWO: It’s time to take out Ferguson! We have
devised a plan.
Pigeon Two pulls a Magpie’s (black and white) football
beanie over his head and wears it like a balaclava. He
channels the ‘magpie’ in him and pumps himself up and
down on the spot, working himself up before taking
off.
The Statue watches him fly up into the sky.
STATUE: There goes a brave bird.
2009 – Ferguson Famine. 8
The Statue is suddenly hit with pigeon poop from
above.
STATUE: No pride at all in this job any more!
Samuel Pigeon shrugs and starts to nod off stage.
STATUE: Hey where are you going? Stay a while and talk
to me? Come on, I’m lonely!
SAMUEL PIGEON: I think I hear a bell in the alley way.
(To off screen as he nods off stage) Here kitty kitty!
END